History - phase four - 40's -1

I remarried just before my 40th birthday and a year later we bought a house and moved to my husband's Grandparents farm just outside of Springfield. It was about 20 minutes away from my job and one mile from my husbands. I worked hard at my job, putting in 8-12 hour days. The first 6 years were very difficult for me. I stopped going to church, buried myself in my job and tried to make it through my children's high school years. Even though I loved the work I did I was not happy at work. At home there were issues between the children and my new husband. I made enough money to meet their needs but I didn't meet all of their wants. It really seemed as though the more money I made the more we needed. I wanted to keep everyone happy at home but that just wasn't going to happen. I began searching for something to make me happy. I spoke with a girl at work and she suggested yoga. The next time I was out shopping I looked for a book about yoga and I found a different book. This book was called "The purpose driven life" by . The word purpose caught my attention. And the word driven. What an awesome title. I bought it and immediately began reading it. As a result I found a church nearby and began attending. This may not seem strange to you but for me it was a huge step. I had been raised in a group which I understood to believe that they were the only true church. I had grown up hearing that preachers were all bad and that they couldn't have the best interest of the assembly at heart because they were being paid to do what they do. The first couple of years I struggled with my upbringing and the new church as I sat there. I would hear the things I had been taught to think while the pastors were preaching. But I didn't give up. Half way through a sermon I would silently begin praying in earnest to God to shut my thoughts off and let me hear Your Word so I can begin to live a life pleasing to you. Returning to my old church was not an option as they firmly teach against remarriage. Oh yes, I would be welcome and my husband too. But I would know that what they preach could never be truly for us because we were "living in sin". By this time I knew in my heart that God was still with me and He was working in my heart to draw me close to Him and filling me with hope that I would be pleasing to him. I didn't feel for a minute any judgement over my marriage, from God. What I was beginning to realize was that I had been judging others and that I had truly felt the things I had been taught, that we were better than others and that only in that one church could one truly be saved. God's light began to shine over all that and I repented everyday, everytime He would show me more about it. It was a very intimate time for me with God, those first couple of years after I began to go back to church. I still had a lot of misunderstandings about God. Obviously it takes time to unravel all the ways sin had interwoven so intricately with my personality. Lots of time. At the time I'm writing this I am still only at the beginning. But thank God, Who is so Great, that I am at the beginning and have already begun. When I was 45 I found out I was expecting a child. I was so happy and so scared at the same time. I quickly sunk into the worst depression of my life so that I had to take medication. Then I was laughing all the time. Looking back on that time I am just thankful for how much God loves us and holds us up and carries us when we are too weak and small and tired to walk by ourselves. I was happy that my husband was going to have a flesh and blood daughter and for his parents who had recently lost their oldest son. I was scared because I felt completely inadequate to care properly for a baby at my age. I had been defining myself by my career. I was overwhelmed by how big my body was getting and misshapen my face. I felt like an alien cow and resented my husband just for looking at me. As time grew closer for the baby to come I began to feel that all my husband and his parents wanted was the baby. Have you ever said or heard it said to a child, I know you don't want to do this but it is really the best for you. or Mommy knows best. etc.? Well that is what God must have been saying to me because this baby is the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. But I didn't know that then. I was depressed, unhappy and extremely unthankful. We decided that since my job could be over at any time and my husbands job had some level of security with it that I would stay home with the baby. Neither of us wanted someone else to raise our baby. So that was another hugely scary thing. I demanded that we redecorate the interior of the house. If I was going to be stuck at home I certainly wasn't going to be looking at those walls and floors. Very depressing. This actually prooved to be a great activity for us and our friends, taking the focus off me and putting it on the walls. With the months left at my job I paid off debts, credit cards, bought things I would need for the baby. I definitely didn't have any baby things saved. My youngest daughter would be 18 before the baby arrived. A beautiful baby arrived in the night, at home, in our bed in mid October. We had tried to have her at the hospital, but they were so sure I wasn't having the baby yet since they were already full and I was scheduled for that weekend. Well that is what they told us. I was not in my right mind or I would have stayed in the waiting room. As it turned out we had her quietly at home 30 mins after we got back from the hospital, with no intervention, assisted by the local volunteer squad. I was very week after she was born. It took me a year to recover. After finding a worthy vitamin supplement I began to regain my strength and the pain subsided and eventually went away. I completely enjoyed my new little one. I was however quite dissatisfied with our income and tried a few things to add to it. I spent a lot of time and energy over the next couple of years and ended up with more debt and not much of an income.